Jonah
by Elentari the Second
Summary: A short story based on the book of Jonah


4

**Chapter One**

_Now the word of the LORD came unto Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come up before me. But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. _

_**Jonah 1:1-3, King James Version**_

There were many words one could use to describe Jonah, but "meek" wasn't one of them. In fact, words like "stubborn" or "contrary" or "sulky" were a far better fit for that man.

There may have been good reason for Jonah ben-Amittai to develop those traits. After all, he grew up in Israel. He knew all about Yhwh and what a stickler he was for good behaviour. He also knew that Yhwh didn't always punish wrong-doers the way he should, in Jonah's opinion. The last few kings of Israel had been absolutely terrible. Jehoash had had a few saving graces, but precious few. He'd allowed the worship of idols and all sorts of ridiculous things in Israel. His son and successor, Jeroboam, wasn't any better. Yet Yhwh, for some reason, refrained from punishing them. Jonah suspected that that was because Yhwh really had a bit of a soft spot for people.

Despite the flood in Noah's time, and the fiery destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, and the turning-of-people-into-salt, Yhwh really didn't punish backsliders often enough. After all, look at the Hebrew slaves delivered from Egypt – all those miracles happened solely for their benefit, and then they went and made a ridiculous golden calf to worship! It didn't half make Moses angry on Yhwh's behalf, but Yhwh forgave them and wrote them the rules again and _still_ led them on to the land of milk and honey. God of vengeance indeed! Jonah knew what to think of _that_ rubbish!

All of this may go a little way to explaining what happened when Yhwh decided to speak to Jonah. "Get up, you, and go to Nineveh. It's the big city in Assyria, you know the one. They've been getting more and more wicked as time goes on, and I can't ignore it any longer. Go and tell them they've got to change their ways, or else!"

What happened was that Jonah decided he didn't want to go to Nineveh, and so he wasn't going to. He knew what would happen. He'd go there, tell them that they were doomed, they'd change their ways…and Yhwh would do nothing. He'd forgive them. And Jonah would have wasted his time. But still, it gave Jonah an idea. Why not go and travel? Not to Nineveh, of course. No question of that. It may have been a big, bustling city but Yhwh was right – it had grown pretty wild of late. No, not there…but why not somewhere else? Tarshish, for instance. Jonah had heard nice things about Tarshish.

And so Jonah went down to the nearest port, which happened to be Joppa, and boarded a boat to Tarshish, hoping that if Yhwh had really wanted him to go to Nineveh, it might be harder for Him to find poor little Jonah, hidden on a boat nowhere near where he normally was. Really, the thought of it! He, Jonah, going to Nineveh! They'd just laugh at him, or worse. Tarshish was going to be a whole lot more fun.

Feeling comfortable in his own mind about the whole thing, Jonah went to sleep on the ship. He was a deep sleeper, was Jonah. Very deep, in fact. So deep that the storm that suddenly arose didn't wake him at all. The ship tossed and turned on the frighteningly large waves, and after a while, as the wind grew steadily stronger and the waves higher, the captain – an experienced seaman – suddenly realised that this was no ordinary storm. So he started getting all the passengers out on deck and praying to their gods to stop it, and told his crew to pray as much as they could while keeping the ship from going under. Soon everyone was on board, praying to their various gods as hard as they could, all of them desperately afraid and all of them soaked through. The captain counted them all and realised there was one missing, and went to find Jonah.

"Get up! Are you dead? How can you sleep through this?" he roared at him. "Get up now and go on deck! I've got everyone up there praying like mad, and you can join in too! Someone's god is _really_ mad, and we'll all drown if he or she isn't placated soon. Now move!" Just as he finished berating Jonah, a wilder wave than any before caused him to stumble and reel against Jonah. He was quite a big man, and it was obvious that he hadn't bathed in a while, nor had the recent stress caused by the storm improved matters. Panicking, Jonah moved desperately away and fell out of bed, lurching towards the door and then up on deck. He had a sinking feeling he knew what was wrong, though.

By the time he'd managed to make his way up on deck, he was convinced that it was his fault. Not that he was given a chance to confess. Everyone else had been worried sick and decided to ask their gods, not to stop the storm, but to at least show them who was at fault. They'd decided that the next person who came through the trapdoor up to the deck would be the one the gods wanted to show was the culprit. Not surprisingly, it was Jonah. They started haranguing him, asking him who he was, where he came from, and what he'd done to anger the gods.

So Jonah admitted everything – he was a Hebrew, he came from Israel, and he'd run away from the one and only God, Yhwh. He went a bit over the top, actually, and told them to throw him overboard to stop the storm. He'd been caught up in the moment when he suggested that, but when the captain objected to throwing _anyone_ overboard in such inclement weather, he realised that it really was the only thing that would stop the storm. So much against the sailors' wishes, who were rather afraid that they might be punished by Jonah's god for killing the middle-aged Hebrew, they threw him overboard.

The storm stopped. It didn't stop gradually, it just stopped. The wind dropped, the waves returned to the normal size, and the sun came out. This terrified the people on board so much that they stopped everything and immediately offered a sacrifice to Jonah's god, making all sorts of promises to Him.

This story does not concern the other people on board that ship bound for Tarshish, however. They probably forgot about Jonah's god within a few weeks after they disembarked. Jonah, on the other hand, did not forget about Yhwh at all. After all, there he was, stuck in the deep blue ocean, with no land in sight. He could tread water and doggy paddle, but that was about it. He'd seen the sudden cease of the storm, too, and was starting to feel a bit guilty about it all, because that had _definitely_ been the handiwork of Yhwh, and he knew it was all because of him.

**Chapter Two**

_And the word of the LORD came unto Jonah the second time, saying, Arise, go unto Nineveh, that great city, and preach unto it the preaching that I bid thee. So Jonah arose, and went unto Nineveh, according to the word of the LORD. Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days' journey. And Jonah began to enter into the city a day's journey, and he cried, and said, Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown. _

_**Jonah 3:1-4, King James Version**_

Jonah didn't have long to think about it, because Yhwh hadn't finished with him yet and He decided to send along a giant fish to swallow Jonah whole. It might not actually have been a fish, per say, but Jonah wasn't really paying much attention at the time. In any case, Yhwh knew what he was doing, and he knew what kind of sea-creatures he had that would work for his purpose. He picked one and made sure that Jonah would be able to survive in it. Perhaps it was a whale-shark. It doesn't really matter, because all Jonah knew was that he was in the belly of a stinking fish for three days and three nights, with nothing to eat, nothing to see, and hardly any air to breathe! He decided, since there was nothing else to do, and since things were unlikely to improve otherwise, to pray.

Three days later, however, Yhwh made sure that his sea creature, whatever it was, vomited Jonah out onto a beach. When Jonah stopped feeling so horrendously dizzy and was able to take it in, Yhwh told him where he was – about three days from Nineveh. A bit ironic, considering all the trouble he'd gone to in order to escape the place. Nevertheless, he knew he had a job to do, and Yhwh told him that he wasn't getting off the hook that easily. Jonah had a hunch that there'd be a lot more trouble coming his way if he didn't do it this time. So he started walking towards the city.

It wasn't much fun, trudging into a sophisticated city reeking of dead fish as badly as Jonah did. He got nothing but dirty looks and quick sidesteps away from him all the way to the city centre. _Well_, he thought, here goes nothing. _They already think I belong on the rubbish heap. Heaven knows that's what I smell like. _He realised what his subconscious had said to him and quickly sent a silent message heavenwards. _Of course Heaven knows what I smell like. Sorry Lord. I know it's my fault really. I'm doing it now, honest._

Having prepared himself mentally, he took a deep breath and started his message.

"Urghhhh…"

He wasn't quite as ready as he'd thought. He tried again.

"Everyone, listen up!"

Oh no, now everyone was looking at him. That was a good thing, probably, but it didn't feel like it.

"I have a message for you from the one true God!"

"And he sent you, did he? The one true God sent _you_, out of all the people in the world, to give _us_ a message? I don't think much of a god who sends such ridiculous messengers, old man!" This was said by a well-favoured young man of about twenty-five, whose face sported a malicious smirk.

Jonah took another deep breath.

"Yes. He sent me. I didn't want to go, but he made me do it. That's why I look like this. Now consider this. I am a God-fearing man, who tries to do the things He wants me to do, but I appear before you like this because I disobeyed him. Now you have all been doing lots of wicked things, and God told me to tell you that if you don't stop in forty days, you're all doomed."

_Fat chance_, he thought.

Having delivered his message, Jonah stomped off to find somewhere good to have a good sulk. He'd had a trying week – one day on a wild sea, three days in a whale, and another three walking to somewhere he didn't want to go to – and he had a good idea about what would happen in forty days, and it wasn't going to be a satisfactory bout of death and destruction to those smug bastards.

Meanwhile, the Ninevites started talking among themselves. They'd heard about that Hebrew god that Jonah seemed to be going on about, and he'd dealt out some pretty interesting punishments to those cities he didn't like. Just think about Sodom and Gomorrah! Maybe there was something to that freak's message. Better be on the safe side and start apologising to the Hebrew god, just in case.

So they put on sackcloth and sat in ashes and fasted and wailed and lamented and put on a very good show for all the passersby. And Yhwh saw that they were on their best behaviour now, and decided not to blast them with fire and damnation this time round. They were kind of cute, these Ninevites. They were made by him, after all.

**Chapter Three**

_But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry. And he prayed unto the LORD, and said, I pray thee, O LORD, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country? Therefore I fled before unto Tarshish: for I knew that thou art a gracious God, and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repentest thee of the evil. Therefore now, O LORD, take, I beseech thee, my life from me; for it is better for me to die than to live. _

_**Jonah 4:1-3, King James Version**_

Jonah didn't think they were cute. Jonah didn't think much of Yhwh, either. Those blasted Ninevites had had lots of fun and now they weren't even being punished for it. _And_ he'd had to spend a ridiculous amount of time in sea-monster. _And_ walk ages before he got to the city. And then Yhwh just goes and damned well forgives them. It just wasn't _fair! _Stupid Yhwh. Stupid Ninevites. He kicked a nearby stone, to show it how he felt about everything. Stupid rock!

A small voice inside him told him that he was being a little unreasonable. He told it to shut up, and nursed his sore toe.

He told Yhwh what he thought about it all, and told him that he'd rather die than live now, but Yhwh just asked him whether he thought he was right to be angry.

Stupid Yhwh asking stupid questions.

Jonah decided to go a little way outside the city to see whether Yhwh would change his mind after all. He found a nice little spot east of the city with a great view of the city, and, having made himself a little shelter, sat down to watch for anything interesting. Yhwh caused a vine to grow much faster than normal and give Jonah shade for his head, which was very convenient and made Jonah much happier. It's funny how being more comfortable can lift the spirits like that.

The next day, however, Yhwh organized a worm to chew the vine to such a degree that it withered and died. Next, he whipped up a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed down on Jonah so hotly that he started feeling faint, and he started again with the melodramatics.

"I want to die! Better that than to live…" he grumbled.

"Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?" Yhwh asked Jonah.

"Yes! Yes I do! There's _no_ reason for you to take it away like that. It makes me so angry I want to die!"

"You're concerned about the vine, Jonah, yet you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. Yet there are thousands of people in Nineveh who are still very confused about right and wrong, and heaps of innocent animals, all of whom I made – shouldn't I be able to change my mind about punishing them?"

Jonah hated it when Yhwh was so damned reasonable.


End file.
